Although I am a predominately person-centred counsellor, I often borrow from other theories to bring to life ideas that might be forming about the clients I work with. One of the most common that comes to mind is from transactional analysis which is a theory developed by the psychiatrist Eric Berne in the 1950’s. Now I’m no expert on TA, so I won’t try to explain it in too much detail, but if you’d like to know more you can visit https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis for more information. The basic premise is that we communicate based on our ego states, coming from a position of Parent, Adult or Child. Most people inhabit all of these positions at one time or another depending on the relationship at play, and each position will have some kind of pay off which keeps us there. When in relationship with another person’s ego state it can become a merry-go-round of games that we play with each other to keep us in our unconsciously chosen position.
Transactional analysis looks at the content of the clients interactions with others, assesses which ego state those interactions are driven by and attempts to move the client away from the Parent or Child position into the Adult position. That’s not to say that Parent and Child positions cannot be valid and useful, but that, much as we are trying to move towards self-determination in person-centred therapy, the Adult position possesses the qualities of autonomy and self-awareness that helps us to move into a more satisfying and healthy life. Stephen Karpman and colleagues looked at the types of relationships people form and recognised a pattern which he called the Drama Triangle.
It was during my own therapy that I first heard of this concept. I was feeling extremely lonely after the breakdown of a turbulent on/off relationship, and feeling that I had no one to turn to in this dark time as no one recognised how much I was struggling. I complained to my (to this day, favourite) therapist that no one seemed to get me. That I was always there for everyone else, no matter what was going on in my life. I would drop everything to tend to an upset friend, but she was too busy with her new boyfriend to check in on me. I would have done anything for my now ex, regardless of the cost to me, but when I began to express needs of my own, he was nowhere to be seen, in fact, he made me feel like the smallest thing was too much effort, that my expectations were entirely unreasonable. All I wanted was for someone to put in the same amount that I was prepared to give, and it was seemingly just too much to ask. This left me feeling unworthy, not good enough, whilst simultaneously imagining that I was emotionally and morally superior to those that couldn’t give as much as me – they obviously just weren’t as compassionate and caring as me. It was very confusing!
My therapist asked me if I had heard of the Drama Triangle, and wiping my frustrated tears away, I shook my head. She explained that there were three positions in the cycle and gently suggested that at different times in these relationships I was inhabiting them all.
My predominant position was the Rescuer. I was always on hand to be a listening ear, trying to cleverly interpret people’s problems and offer solutions in the form of ‘helpful’ advice or practical assistance. Unsurprisingly, this is what lead me to begin training as a therapist. Whilst this is a Parental position, where I was trying to take care of the other’s needs and protect them from their struggles, it was also driven by my need to be useful. My self-worth was so tied up in my ability to help others, that when that was rejected, for example by the other not taking my advice or doing something to the contrary of my suggestions, I would easily shift into the role of Persecutor. My ego would be hurt, my sense of self would be threatened, and I would become critical and resentful towards the other. I’d offered them all this help and they’d thrown it in my face! How dare they use all of my gifts as a rescuer, only to reject them: of course, I meant that they had rejected me. This is the Critical Parent at play, my ego needed my need to be needed to be fulfilled, and rather than look at my own behaviour it was easier to blame others for the rejection and imagine that if only they’d taken my advice, they wouldn’t be suffering now and I wouldn’t have to be stepping in, yet again. And thus, I shifted back into Rescuer mode, and the cycle would start again.
Eventually, after shifting between Rescuer and Persecutor for quite some time, I fell into the Child state of Victim in the cycle. It was then that my therapist started to describe the pattern she was seeing. I was feeling utterly lost and alone, my relationships were in tatters as my resentfulness slipped into hopelessness that I would ever find a relationship where someone was able to give as much as me. Everyone just took advantage of my kind and helpful nature then threw me away when I asked for anything in return. My goodness, I felt sorry for myself. Poor, abandoned me.
In truth, I was very rarely able to ask for anything directly in my relationships. I had been so used to second guessing everyone’s needs and being there 24/7 in order to protect my status as the Rescuer and keep being needed, that to say I was struggling was far too vulnerable. I did not want to be seen as a victim: I was the strong one, the solution finder, the one everyone came to. How could I maintain that if people could see that I had weaknesses too?
However, my victimhood had me at rock bottom, and I was more than ready for change. So I listened as my therapist described another way of being, where I could still be of service to others at the same time as maintaining appropriate boundaries, recognising other people’s autonomy so that I wouldn’t take it so personally when my help wasn’t needed, and avoid feeling taken advantage of.
This is sometimes known as the Winner’s Triangle. Instead of being a rescuer, I slowly learnt to be a Nurturer, also known as a carer or facilitator. This role allowed me to use all the care and compassion I used for others at the same time as using it towards myself. It allowed me to stay in a supportive role whilst recognising that other people’s problems aren’t mine to solve and that I can respect and honour their own autonomy and self-knowledge to know what is right for them. This is a supportive role that also allows me to look at my own needs and set appropriate boundaries so that I don’t end up feeling taken advantage of or put upon. This is now my default position (and sets me up to be a much more effective therapist).
I also learnt to be Assertive instead of a persecutor. I understand now that my need to be seen as the ‘strong’ one had led to me feeling resentful that other people couldn’t step in to rescue me when I needed it. I can ask now for what I need, I can say no if something doesn’t work for me, I can honour my friendships and other relationships at the same time as honouring myself. I can see other people as OK, even if they don’t match my expectations, or I theirs, without taking it as an insult to myself or a fault in them or me that we don’t fit together.
In order to ask for what I need, and this was the hardest bit and something that takes continuous conscious practice, I had to stop being the victim and reclaim my own power in asking for help, instead of expecting everyone around me to guess at what I needed and then feeling upset when they didn’t. This meant being Vulnerable. I had to learn to solve the problem of feeling let down and abandoned by people who didn’t even know or care that I was in a bad place, by myself. What I realised is that I couldn’t expect someone to come and rescue me, particularly if I didn’t communicate what I was feeling. My first solution, eventually, was to show my vulnerability to the people that I knew cared about me and let them know I needed support and nurture. Secondly, I had to let go of the relationships that were never going to be based on mutual and equal care.
All of these are Adult positions which require us to capture in ourselves the power and autonomy we have over our own lives. The result though, is longer lasting, deeper, more meaningful relationships that don’t feel one-sided or constantly tied up in drama, upsets and conflict. They also mean that when conflicts do arise, we can come at them from that Adult state which is rooted in our current, objective reality, rather than patterns imprinted on us by childhood and our parental figures.
The Drama Triangle can show up in every type of relationship, and you might notice traits of each state in others. You can avoid playing the game by staying firmly in the Adult positions in the Winner's Triangle, and avoiding letting others draw you into the cycle. Often you will find that when presented with an alternative, your friends, colleagues and loved ones feel safe to also step out of the game and into their own adult position.
It is worth mentioning that the Drama Triangle can present itself in subtle ways as an unconscious process as it was for me, or more overtly and malignantly. There is a tie to narcissistic type personalities – not to say that everyone that ends up in the Drama Triangle is narcissistic at all – but that it is a common dynamic with people that are driven by a combination of an unconscious low self-esteem and a simultaneous sense of superiority, which is naturally ingrained into the narcissist. If you find yourself at the extreme receiving end of this cycle and find that this is a game your partner, friend or parent draws you into, stepping out of the cycle can be very difficult and you may want to seek extra support through therapy, or other agencies. Your safety must come first and I will provide some links below to support.
If you recognise this pattern in yourself and need help to break the cycle, therapy is a really good place to start. Feel free to get in touch if this is something you feel I can help with.
Sam x
Help and Support
Refuge
Northamptonshire Domestic Abuse Service
Mankind Initiative – Men’s Domestic Abuse Support
The Adam Project
Mind
Breakaway - support for adult children estranged from parents
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